What I'm listening to

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Discipline, Guilt, & Grace

I have been pretty delinquent about updating since coming to Korea.  Sometimes it seems daunting to commit to writing my thoughts and experiences - more so than when I went to Europe for a summer and found time every couple of days to update on adventures and the people and places I had met.  Perhaps the problem is that Korea has become.......normal.  This is my everyday life now - not so much an adventure as a daily grind.  The commonplace occurrences of dragging myself out of bed, walking to work, laughing with some of my teenage students, taking deep breaths with others, coming 'home' to a small apartment that is slowly becoming more homey, and spending way more time on Facebook than I ever thought possible, have worn off the newness of being here.

Some of this is good.  I feel at home in this life - lonely at times, but at home.  Working full time as a teacher is much more pleasant and fun than I anticipated.  The PE department is made up of 3 of the best people I could have ever asked to work with.  The students are, for the most part, very respectful and really good about getting work done.  They are slow to warm up to me sometimes, but now I see so many fun loving and strong personalities.  I have loved getting to know them, and was incredibly sad at semester when I lost a large portion of my students to other classes.  Of course that now means breaking the ice with a new group, which I hope will prove to be similarly engaged, positive, and open in time.  I also have made some wonderful and precious friends - strong women and men of God that I am so thankful to know.  And since the fall was beautiful and winter has brought cold temperatures and even some snow, I have even felt at home in the climate.

The everyday-ness of life becoming comfortable and natural also brings with it another, harder to cope with reality.  That is that any excuse put on "settling in" or "busyness" or "getting the hang of it" has now gone by the wayside.  Excuses like not eating healthily because I can't read nutrition labels or know exactly what I'm eating.  Like not working out because I didn't have time between trying to figure out life and teaching.  Like not finding a church or going to church because I felt overwhelmed by the time Sunday came around and needed to work or sleep or Skype instead.  Like not getting work done early or on time......or like watching too much TV on hulu or Amazon......like staying up late (I know what every family member of mine will say to this - I know! I am trying to change my ways!).....the list could go on.

The guilt and weight of things that I have always struggled with were things that I perhaps ran away from when I came here, wanting for them to change.  Is that normal?  Do people outside of the ones in movies make drastic physical change hoping that it will bring internal change as well?  I think it was something that I secretly hoped.  It actually sounds incredibly stupid to say that or admit that to anyone - because I think many people probably thought that of me before I left, and I probably denied it.  I knew in my head that location does not change who we are, but I think I wanted so badly to change that I still hoped it would help.  Discipline has never been the thing I excelled at.  I'm not sure what I have excelled at, actually - not in words that would fit into the same category as discipline.  And the minute we think we excel, I think it can become the place were the devil attacks us - so perhaps it is better to think of the things we trust that God is working on us in.  For a long time I have wanted discipline to be an area in which I was excellent.  And it is easy to make 'plans' to be disciplined.  It is easy to desire to be disciplined, tomorrow.  To get up early, tomorrow.  To work out, tomorrow.  But the war that happens daily between my mind and my will plays itself out in a way that only leaves me with the dead weight of guilt hanging around my shoulders.

I don't know exactly how long I have felt this guilt envelop me.  Years, I think.  It was not always as it is now - it crept up on me slowly.  And the longer I felt its shadowy presence on my back, whispering constantly of how I am unworthy, the more I believed it.  The more I believed it, the more discouraged I became and the more entrenched all of the things that I want to be different.

At different times in the last few years, people or songs or stories or sermons or Words have pierced through the shroud around me enough to bring me true hope through my Savior's love and grace.  One was a kayak trip and conversation with my younger and often wiser cousin a couple of Thanksgivings ago.  One was a Christmas sermon given by our pastor.  One was through The Story, a collection of Bible stories written into song. One was a series of CDs on guilt loaned me by a friend.  One was a sermon heard a week ago, here in Suwon.  A few days ago, a blog post by my sister became yet another way that God was telling me to trust in His Grace over my own guilt.  I always seem to run back to my fear eventually - fear that the devil's words about me are true.  It didn't seem to matter what I knew to be true in God's Word - the lie made me feel disgraced and unable to see anything but the condemnation I knew I deserved.  The lie also reminded me that no one could know how I felt, because then whatever witness I had given or lived over the years would be destroyed.  

I think that may have been one of the most dangerous parts about this lie.  Not sharing with anyone meant that I couldn't hear the truth from the people I trust most in my life.  But that did not stop Jesus from pursuing me with the truth anyway.  He has never stopped pursuing me with the truth - and I can see that now through all the pierced holes in this shroud.  I long to be wrapped in the grace God wants to wrap me in ~ and to live within His promise of grace for the sinner and strength for the weary.  These words from my sister Colleen's blog touched me deeply a few days ago.   It was the reminder that I cannot please Him on my own and never could - even when I did not feel this way, I could never have pleased Him apart from relinquishing my life and trusting in His. 
I think that if I can only be more organized, more disciplined, then I will be able to somehow do it all perfectly and make Him proud of me.   I forget that apart from His grace, apart from faith in His Son, I cannot please Him. 
That is so powerful to me.  Becoming disciplined is not and never could be the answer to my hard heart that wants to be soft, or to ridding myself of shadows that surround and trail behind and whisper lies.  Surrender to and reliance on and trust in my Savior whose love covers me - this is my desire.  To stop striving to make myself worthy when it can't be done.  To become like Mary, sitting at Jesus feet and understanding what is important.  To allow Him to fill me so full of His Truth that there is no room to believe the lies.
What would it look like, I wonder, to live full of grace?  Not as one striving to succeed, but as one resting in the One who already has? 
What does it look like? Jesus, set me free from guilt and wrap me in your Truth so I may begin to know.
His grace is enough for us.  His record is ours.  His grace, His kindness, His sovereignty, covers all of our mess. 
 And if I believe that – won’t I walk in it?
  
Will you pray with me that this will be so?

This is how Love wins, every single time
Climbing high upon the tree where someone else should die.
This is how Love heals the deepest part of you
Letting Himself bleed into the middle of your wounds.
This is what Love says, standing at the door:
You don't have to be who you've been before!
Silenced by His voice, death can't speak again
This is how Love wins.
What can wash away my sin? Nothing but the blood, nothing the blood!
What can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood, nothing but the blood!
This is what Love says, standing at the door: 
You don't have to be who you've been before! 
Silenced by His voice, death can't speak again
This is how Love wins.

~written by Nichole Nordeman, sung by Steven Curtis Chapman

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