Not enough

Even when you’re afraid of not being enough — you’ve got to be more afraid of not having stepped out enough.  - Ann Voskamp

This morning my sister reminded me again that one of our favorite authors, Ann Voscamp, is also currently in China adopting her daughter, and that I should keep my eye out for her.  I shook my head and just commented, Amy, do you realize how BIG China is?  And that Ann is a week ahead of me, meaning that she's probably already in Guangzhou where everyone out-processes (although now that I'm thinking about it, she's Canadian and I don't know where they exit.)  But sure, I'll keep my eyes out (after I go stalk her website to remind myself what she looks like).  

China is HUGE.  The three cities we are visiting while we are here are  all among the top 4 largest cities in China (Beijing - 19m, Tianjin - 11m, Guangzhou - 11m) and the country now stands above 1.3 billion people in an area roughly the size of the USA.  I have been to China 6 times now (7 including a separate trip to Hong Kong) and never yet seen the Great Wall - I was not even close to it on any of those prior trips.  There are diverse cultures in China - people groups with entirely different ways of life that live on the outskirts or as tourist attractions.  The north side of the tallest mountain in the world lies in China, as well as the third and sixth longest rivers and the third largest desert.  There are so many cities with over 10 million people in them that it makes even Seoul seem small.  Today I saw the world's largest public square, and visited a palace built almost 600 years ago - and it makes you feel small.  

I don't mind feeling small.  It can be scary sometimes - like being lost in a big crowd - but there is peace in it too.  I love feeling small when I stand in front of the Tetons at home, or when I get to surf off the coast of Oregon and both the waves and the cliffs let you know you're a part of something that's bigger than you.  When I made the choice to adopt, it was a small feeling - so many children in need of families and yet I get to choose ONE.  Here in China, that is ONE among over 600,000.  Some estimate higher - that there might be 1 million orphaned or abandoned children here.  I have to choose ONE child to love, nurture, hold, and care for; ONE child to shelter, clothe, educate, and bring up in the way he should go; ONE child to be mine, forever; ONE child to pick up when he falls down, to giggle and be silly with, to snuggle and cuddle and sing to sleep.  ONE child to kiss goodnight.  

How is that possible? How can it be to say YES to ONE when you know just how many are left?  How to say YES to ONE and trust that this child is the ONE God has given to you?  How do you know for sure that you are doing the right thing, that you are the right parent for this child, that you are equipped to meet his needs and that your saying YES is God's answer to the question, "Who's going to love him?  Who will choose him and be his family?"  

Steven Curtis Chapman has a song I have loved since childhood, one that is not well-known.  Its about a little girl named Maria who doesn't have a family yet.  In the Chapman's adoption story, he met a little girl named Maria in China and immediately knew she was his because of this song he had written years before she was born.  I think of the lyrics sometimes - "Who's gonna love Maria?"  and think of that decision.  It was not as clear a choosing as I had maybe expected, and in my case it came with a huge amount of hurt that I didn't know what to do with.  In my case it involved saying goodbye to another young boy who was equally precious in His sight.  It involved saying no in order to say YES, and it hurt beyond anything I knew what to do with.  I didn't expect that.  Love involves pain, I think.  But God is faithful.  When I felt my way through the mist of uncertainty and took a leap of faith in God's leading, and said YES to this sweet, chubby cheeked, tiny little boy - I knew the answer: "I am going to love you, Ming.  I love you." He's so young - so young that he has no idea what's going to happen in less than three days.  His life will change and at first he won't think its a good change.  With God's grace, eventually he will know that I am mama and that he will always have a family.  I want him to know so much more that He has ONE who loves him forever and always, no matter what else happens in his life.  As his mama, it is my privilege to get to teach him - a calling and a responsibility. 

Little Ming, in three days I will get to hold you in my arms.  You don't know me yet, but from here on out, I am yours forever.  I belong to you.  I choose you!  I won't be perfect and I will make mistakes, but I will love you forever and always.  I'm not enough for you - I'm not even enough for myself.  But I know Someone who is enough for both of us!  And He will never leave you, nor forsake you, and He will love us both unconditionally until the end of time.  My sweet little boy, believe in His love for you as you will come to believe in mine.  He will sustain us when we are lost on this journey together.  He will fill our hearts will joy and love.  My beautiful son, I'm coming for you!  Until then, here's to being unbrave enough to trust in the ONE who is. 

You only have to keep believing — and keep stepping out unbrave.  - Ann Voscamp